Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in howkins_kid's LiveJournal:

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Monday, May 22nd, 2006
11:30 am	It's official. I am now to fat for my height. So after years of thinking it, it has now happened. It must go.  It has to.  for my own piece of mind. Fat cow. Bloody comfort eating. *sigh* Current Mood: annoyed (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 30th, 2006
9:34 pm	I can't even watch it... I bought Lost in Translation today.  I can't watch it.  Sure I can physically watch it, but I think it's just Scarlett Jo - whats her face.  I can't watch her, when I see her, all I can see in my head is Neil.  Neily Neily Neil Neil.  Bill Murray on the other hand is a totally different ball game.  He makes me think of Mr Rae, it;s not as strange as it sounds. I'm having one of those days.  A day where nothing really matters.  Nothing at all.  I am far to busy wallowing in my own self pity to feel anything of anyone, clearly excluding Neil.  I just can't be bothered.  It makes me sick.  Sick at myself.  I just want to cry.  How pathetic.  I know it is/I am.  I would just like to lay in bed forever.  Maybe get up to scowl at the sun.  Back to be for me. Maybe it;s the soundtrack that I can't listen to.  I can't listen to the cd he made for me anymore, it's broken.  It didnt work properly from the start, but at least it played, it was my little piece of him that could be there to comfort me though the night. I wish he could just be there to lay with me.  He wouldn't even have to say anything.  I just miss the warmth. *sigh* I made prefect. I kick ass. I guess. Current Mood: pessimistic (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 13th, 2006
10:00 pm	Well well well then... so this is the way it's going to be. *sigh*  The holidays are almost over, and what have I got to show for it?  Nothing.  That's what. How utterly depressing. I know. Current Mood: discontent (Comment on this)
Friday, February 24th, 2006
7:48 pm	Stupid Katy, Stupid. It's a fact that today I feel stupid.  I see all the mistakes I have made and while everyone else realises where they have gone wrong, I have to sit there nodding, in the dark.  I'm starting to feel that maybe I am just setting myself unachivable goals.  That it might all be just a bit too much.  Ok, so it's nice that people believe in me, but i'm not sure that the realistically have anything to believe in anymore.  I don't shine anymore.  There used to be things I was good at, maybe even stood out a bit in, but now, now there is nothing.  I'm losing it,  I must have hit my peak and now it's all downhill.  It'll teach me to deal with disappointment I supose.  There had to be a time in my life when things started going wrong. I have a Maths tutor now, infact I have two, that's only if you count Duncan.  Mrs Clark hopes he will give me a confidence boost.  I think just knowing that I have one is making me feel stupid. Stupid must be my word of the day.  It is the only word I can find today to describe myself.  Maybe I could used dazed.  A bit scared.  Maybe I just neede a cuddle.  And to be honest, today I don't really mind who it's from, we all know who I wish it was,  but I just need one now.  I haven't had a cuddle since I saw him.  for me, it seems like a long time. I'm starting to miss my Chris.  Chris keeps me sane.  No longer is he there for me, and I know it.  He is gone.  Not forever, I hope.  But I do worry.  No longer do we laugh in physics, nor do I see him out of school.  He forgets that I exist when he is having a party, for a matter of fact, I think that he just forgets that I exist.  Full stop.  There is nowhere to throw blame,  apart from to myself.  Maybe I said something, did something, anything. It's a long time untill easter.  Too long some might say.  Maybe I'm one of those people.  But it's a fact.  Sometimes it just seems to long.  Mustn't complain.  Nothing can be done.   Ok, so today might not have been the best on the world, but in some ways it was.  I learned that I do have friends that will always be there, always.  You know it when you don;t need anything to spark a convorsation, it just happens, and the half way through, you may cut of from what is being said, but only to realise how great they really are.  That things would be dull for you without them.  That you might not be as happy as you really are inside.  Those are times I like.  but today may also have been the worst,  as I found myself cutting off from what was being said to realise that the person was fading away, that that may be the last convorsation we ever have and that maybe I should be treasuring every moment of it,  but then decide against it, as you realise that maybe you shouldn't make such effort when the person in hand really may not care. I think this fact has maybe left me a little empty today.  To lose those people, that's right - people, might have taken a little part of me away, I haven't quite figured out which part of me that may be, I think it might even be just a little chunk of my heart.  As cliched as it may sound, I do believe it's true,  I love them and they have left. Current Mood: lonely (Comment on this)
Monday, February 20th, 2006
9:03 am	Cheesey Cheesey Guy. I think I am injured. Bowling is a dangerous activity.  Ouch. But three strikes is good for me - with a final score of 120- without bumpers. His sister is cool.  Fact. Cheesey Very cheesey guys are my favourite guys. Glad it's a cheesey cheesey guy I'm in love with. Current Mood: amused (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 18th, 2006
8:20 pm	Naughty Naughty Keifer. Why hello there. I have just discovered the joys of watching films and being online at the same time. It's "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" right now. I have been to Glasgow, and now I am back.  I do not like to come back. I do like to go to sleepovers.  I do hope they are are on the agenda.  Pillow fights, films and popcorn.  What more could a gal want? Cuddles.   That's what. Current Mood: optimistic (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 12th, 2006
2:30 pm	Tapidy Tap Tap Sometimes I wish I could dance. Tap dance, or ballet.   Oh oh oh  I am visiting the land of Glasgow, not long from now,  my knees are getting shakey. And I am no longer going bowling with my buddies before I go, so I am going to be terrified.   EEk.   I was ironing wax today.  It is most beautiful.   Love Hubert - lots.     I heart Hubert.                             And Stuch Current Mood: intimidated (Comment on this)
Monday, January 23rd, 2006
5:42 pm	Goodness Me. Well well.   I must say it has been a while.  But still there is not much to say.  I am sitting in a library because the phone is down at home - therefore I can't go on there.  Grrr.  Well.   Oh Oh I am going swimming tonight.  I have not done that in ages months and months and months.  Since... October.   16th of February.  :)     Current Mood: blah (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 13th, 2005
9:31 pm	goodness me I must say I did have one of the best Saturdays of my life. worst sunday lips ... hand ... breats ... on ... kissing   I can't wait to see you again.   Two weeks seems to long again.     <3     Current Mood: loved (Comment on this)
Monday, December 5th, 2005
8:33 pm	5 Sleeps 'til Neil 5 Sleeps 'til Neil 5 Sleeps 'til Neil 5 Sleeps 'til Neil 5 Sleeps 'til Neil 5 Sleeps 'til Neil 5 Sleeps 'til Neil Current Mood: nervous (Comment on this)
Monday, November 21st, 2005
7:29 pm	hmm de dumm I'm bored today. There is nothing to do. and I'm annoyed by many things.  being a pathetic kid.  not being able to do anything because of 1 being in Blair working my ass of and not getting the results having no reason to wear my dress all the time I'm thinking about my dress   I think I should elaborate about my dress.  I love it - it didn't cost that much , 55 pounds, it is beautiful , but the beauty is so much that to discribe it would be to do it much disjustice. It has to be seen. There is only one event to wear it to. Mum says "go out for a meal with Stuch" I fear he would not like that. The dress might not be "respectable" oh well   I can always dream.       Also my mummy is buying my glasses on Thursday. No matter what Stuch may say about people like me. Current Mood: geeky (Comment on this)
Friday, November 18th, 2005
9:39 pm	brrrr It's cold. Was minus five degrees when I walked out of my door this morning. Thought my hands were going to fall off. But then I burnt myself at work. :'( * ouch*   Current Mood: sore (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 10th, 2005
8:53 pm	Ooh La La Santa ... is that a Stuch shaped present you have there? I love salad fingers. Burnt face man is slow. "I like it when the red water comes out." I miss Stuch.  Lots ....     and lots. <3   Current Mood: loved (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 9th, 2005
5:49 pm	Good Day Well today - I feel - so far - is very good! I don't think of missing someone as missing them when you are with them.  I realised today that I missed Holly and Scoot.  I spent after school with them and I laughed so much it hurt.  I loved it.  With them I can be stupid and it doesn't matter.  I wish I had your jacket. <3 Current Mood: happy (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, November 7th, 2005
8:35 pm	Well Well Well Have had a grand weekend. This must be said. - My Chemical Romance rocked my socks! Officially - it was so fun - standing in line for five hours - some of it in the rain - was so fun - with Laura my dearest, KatIE, Mariclaire, Liza and Iain my wuv.  I hadn't seen Iain for ages and it was great! We all danced and sang in the line - screamed every now and then.  I missed him. I miss him. So much. To spend so much of a weekend together and then have nothing.  Nothing at all.  Nothing to hold.  Nothing to keep me warm.  No one to tell me things will be ok.  No one to share my silence.  It's getting hard now.  For me anyway.  It will work. It has too. *sniff*.......*sniff* I have my photo's developed from Sunday.  I love them.  Officially.  He looks good in them.  As always.  His flat looks a state. Fact! <3   Current Mood: pessimistic (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, October 31st, 2005
9:08 pm	Happy Halloween Well . . . . . not to much to say! I would like it to stay that way - not having much to say can mean that there isn't anything bad to say! Grand dear is coming to visit! shall be grand.  I think it may be a good thing that he doesn't have to see me in my school uniform!  Oh grand!     OOOh I scarred for the eve' of Saturday.  Oh the joys of family mingling!  EEEK!!!!   Well.....   <3 Current Mood: content (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 25th, 2005
4:14 pm	Almost Worst Day ever Today was bad.   I feel like crap.   Missed you like hell.   The only good thing was talking to you. But illness makes me fragile.  I cried all the way back up the road from Tesco.   <3   p.s   I like the answer to question 5 Current Mood: groggy (Comment on this)
Monday, October 24th, 2005
9:45 pm	I muchly Like Huggles. I think that's all I have to say today!   :)     Current Mood: content (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 29th, 2005
8:05 pm	Oh my I must admit that I was having a really good day, something seems to have rained on my parade. I many be worrying over nothing and reading to deep into something that isn't there. But I fear that I am wrong. That there is something to worry about, that I might not belong for much longer, that she who overwhelms so many has encaptured you again with her smile. A puddle is forming.  There is no shoudler to catch them. Current Mood: gloomy (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 27th, 2005
9:18 pm	Ahh ... it was nice. Yeah ... it really was. Didn't last nearly long enough.  But then again ... no length of time could be long enough with him. I do miss him so. Maybe it is a feeling of emptiness that I will get used to. It shall be like a long lost friend. Yey - I like to develop photo's! It's so fun. Well ... I guess I must be off. A sad fact I know. p.s Did you know that there are more avon Ladie's in Brazil than there are members of the armed service? That's right! x Current Mood: thoughtful (Comment on this)